So I am talking to one of married girlfriends, Ursula, this weekend. Still considered a newlywed, she is so transparent and honest as she talks to me about the committed union with her hubby.
My circle would always say if I got married then the world must be coming to a end... very soon. That was the joke for years because I was known as one of the serial daters. The men would come, the men would go. I was meeting and greeting to have a few laughs for a few months with a guy. As 90 days closed in, I would find something I couldn't live with or would get bored with, and move on. I was always honest with the guys...but I was not one to commit easily. Since those days, I fell in love...hard. I retired the player card and became committed to nurturing and growing the relationship with X. Once our love affair ended because of timing (no fault of his or mine), I realized marriage is definitely an option for me. I began to search my mind, heart, soul and spirit for voids that needed to be mended or filled. I am 97% happy with myself...some flaws and all. Soon, I will be ready to welcome my future hubby.
Ursula has become my source on the real outlook of marriage. You know how the soaps and the movies and the fluffy books seem to only display the sweetness of the union? They have young girls and women in "I can't wait" mode to meet the prince, get married, have endless love making sessions, wake up happy, go to bed happy, and live this way eternally. But, no one ever tells the real side of it. The side that takes the same amount of work sleep-deprived Diddy puts into his successful business affairs.
I sat down with my girl Sunday over some breakfast. I asked her questions about communication, religion, intimacy, spending time and understanding your hubby. Ursula basically said being a wife is a full time job. Whether you stay at home or you work outside the house, there is still the responsibility of holding true to the 24/7 vows. As a wife, she is constantly covering her husband spiritually, praying for his leadership, seeking the counseling of God to bless their union, caring for her temple to birth children soon, there for her husband when he needs her in any way, and learning more about him while adapting to changes. That doesn't include ever-growing patience, picking battles to fight, compromising, and learning how to be the bigger person in certain situations. Oh, and let's not forget the in-laws. No matter how kind they are, you still have to deal with them in some kind of way that may not always be pleasant or hoped for. Did I mention this ambitious sister she has 2 part-time jobs as well? (by choice...not by force)
See what I am saying? It so much more than falling in love and only having eyes for each other. The rough patches is what makes marriage a little iffy at times for me. These are the things that married folks tend to sweep under the rug and avoid sharing with us single girls. Ursula and I are strong women with strong opinions. Yet, we both believe in being submissive to the hubby as God says so. Therefore, it was has been difficult for her to bite her tongue during heated conversations when the Lord silences her. She also said God has been revealing weaknesses to her that she never acknowledged previously. All the time she has been praying for hubby's maturation, she is discovering her flaws.
I listened to my girl and she spoke to me with love. After sharing the raw truths that may deter some from wanting to jump the broom, she said with compassion, "After it all, I cannot see myself living without him. I love him so much. He is my best friend." Then and there, I understood with everything in me that marriage is not a cotton candy roller coaster ride. Nor is it a shackled experience that leaves one filled with regrets. Marriage should be a full time, life long learning curve filled with strength, the Love of God, growth, purpose, protection, foundational beliefs, love and the undying commitment to deflect demonic forces from entering the union.
Yes, it is a full time job to be a wife. Yes, it will take much effort on my end to make our love work for us. Yes, there will be days of silence and stillness. Yes, there will be times where romance is at the bottom of the to-do-list.
Even as I recognize these things, I am in training to perform at my fullest potential for this position.
Love you Ursula...
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I really wish more people would reveal the TRUE sides to marriage. I've come across old classmates who are now married and while they were initially happy to reveal that they now had a ring (or to brag about what new gift their boo bought for them), only a few have been honest enough to admit what a lot of people already know: marriage is not a cakewalk. It's not all happily ever after/ fade to black. It's real. It's raw. And if you don't know who you are as a person and willing to show and accept flaws, your union is not going to survive. People get so caught up in the superficial aspects that they don't bother to get to really truly know thier mates. I've come across both men and women who state all of the positives that they bring to the table, but they still have so many insecurities and are unwilling (or don't know how) to be vulnerable with a person and expose their fears that they never fully give themselves and later down the line, it causes problems because their SO has no idea who they are dealing with and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Your friend is a true blessing. Keep posting what you learn from her. We all can use the advice.
ReplyDeleteGirl, I will keep them coming...straight from Ursula to the blog.
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