Follow the Leader...finally

This is crazy. I know you will think I am nuts for saying this. I think this is the part of my thoughts that can be categorized into Pros and Cons. This is where I have to debrief before speaking on the randomness of my thoughts. Or are they truly random?

My sis always says don't get too deep, for you just might drown. I tend to analyze a bit on subjects or actions or topics that others see as insignificant. Everyone isn't positioned to see the same view as I. I accepted that a long time ago. However, this little engine of thoughts in the cerebrum is a Pro... You are still reading aren't you?

Okay, so how did I get here? The place where just about anything goes? The place of pride and glee? Yes, glee. I said it. The Utopian place where God and I are in sync. No, I don't like my job...but I have found my place in this universe that will allow me to leave at my own discretion. I am positioning myself. Making those connections in the spirit realm, in the human networking rat race. I understand what I need and how I am to strategically keep certain constants in my space. I recognize those weaknesses and am seeking that spiritual strength to prop me up on those leaning sides. Yes...peace is all around me...even if it doesn't seem like it if I stood naked in front of you...and displayed all 360 degrees of my life. In spite of, peace resides within me.

ATL helps me balance. He pulls from me. He stretches me. He gives to me. He pours in me. Being comfortable with him is an extreme need. More than he is a cool-kind-of-guy-who-I-can- kick-it-with comfortable. The kind of comfortable that removes all fear from others opinions. You know, those opinions you would swear by that ruled your atmosphere at one time...

"Girl, ya'll are moving too fast aren't you?"
"I don't know...he seems too good to be true."
"He said what? I wouldn't take that if I was you."
"Why are you cooking for him? He is not your husband!"
"I wouldn't do all that for him if I was you..."

Humph. I think about that and remember all the faces of the women who blatantly shared their opinions at some point in my younger life...before I knew better. The verbiage spewing from the mouths of lonely, bitter, angry, unhappy, man haters. Why do we listen to these women? Maybe because we used to be them in some shape or form?

Yep, so comfortable. The comfort level that allows all imperfections and insecurities hang out. Okay, maybe not all...but 92% is much more than I ever shared with another. But, with this one...there is 1 word I am searching for.............

Acceptance is the word that comes to mind. The same word Tyler uttered on the MTV show Taking the Stage explaining his torn feeling between his girlfriend and another chick. The other chick accepted him for who he is. Okay, but doesn't the woman in this position who plots on replacing wifey always accept any and everything form her target to make her way in?? I know men think they know us inside and out...but we are Eve's daughters. We didn't mean to be this way...this calculated...it's inherited and must be suppressed if not used for good.

Again, I digress. (Got a gumbo pot full of thoughts tonight...please excuse the rambling). Acceptance. ATL accepts me for me. Yet, he deposits those nuggets to slightly nudge me in the direction he sees me going in. The same direction God is pointing towards. So, I listen. I take action. I appreciate...I truly take the time to appreciate him. Instead of him guessing, I tell him. I show him. I make it plain. He embraces it.

Now I allow him to clasp my hand while we exist amongst the public. Although you may feel this point isn't relevant, it is of importance to me. Buttafly red zones on symbolism and visual- ism. As we travel on foot in the mean streets of the A, into venues, through crowds, along the busy side walks...he takes my hand. It's more than the obvious sign of affection that silently says to onlookers "just the 2 of us...enter at your own risk...don't get your block chopped off." It offers security and a form of commitment. It doesn't allow confusion to those who glanced at one of you and took a second look. The clasp displays a bond. But there is more to it.

When I place my hand in his, I stand in agreement that I will follow him. I agree at that time that I trust him. I submit to his leadership as he keeps my needs and desires in mind through his navigation. Allow your mind to go deeper than the surface on this one. This weekend, he chose a very crowded venue for us to enjoy a festivity. As soon as we exited his vehicle to walk the parking deck headed to our destination, he offered me his guidance as he opened his hand to me. I answered by clasping mine in his. Sure, I was familiar with the area we were entering. But, it wasn't my place to lead at this time. There were moments where we squeezed in areas that only allowed the room for one body to pass at a time. However, I took note that he never let go of his commitment...of my hand. Even if our palms slipped, 2 fingers remained intertwined.

I am well aware some may feel I am looking too far in depth of hand holding. Everyone shows this display of affection when dating. It's not a big deal, right? Actually, it is in my world. If every potential or actual couple joins their palms, does that mean every man is leading the woman? Certainly not. I have allowed others to lead when I full well knew with my intelligent self that the brother wasn't capable...as he didn't even know where he was headed. He wanted to lead, please believe. But, still wasn't capable. This is something I cannot teach, won't teach, won't waste time with the void of this necessity from my other half. But, when you are with a brother with purpose, passion, determination, will and the ability to lead as well as follow, you exhale.

I exhale because my burden is lighter.
I exhale as life's responsibilities will be shared.
I exhale because I'm not lead into darkness.

Sigh........

I exhale because I have a hand to hold during rough patches.
I exhale because I trust the mind and spirit of the leader.
I exhale because I can finally follow the leader.

Sigh........